I've Been Gone For So Long

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I've been slacking in the writing area. Not just here.... in my personal journal too. I don't think I've written since I got back to Michigan.

I figured I had nothing to write about now that my big adventure of moving off on my own epically failed. Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn't a failure. Let me tell you, no matter how many people say that, it still feels like one because I had to come back home. I didn't make enough money to support myself.

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It makes me feel like a failure.

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I keep getting so frustrated with God because I keep asking why all of these things, that I, in my great wisdom (sarcasm) think should not be happening to me. Why is God not letting me (that's not the right word, but it's all I can think of) get a great full-time job and make enough money to support myself so I can live NOT in Michigan where it's cold and snowy and why isn't He making my life easier? Don't I deserve better? I know what you are thinking. You're thinking I'm a brat. A spoiled brat. Who hasn't realized that life is not fair. And people don't get what they deserve.

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And it happens all of the time: Bad things happen to good people. Bad people get away with things they should not. And I am so lucky, because I have two parents who love me, and a roof over my head, and food and clean water. And I have some amazing best friends who are always there for me. So really, I am the one who needs to change.

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I need to change my attitude and trust in the Lord. I believe that He loves me, and He has good things in store for me. Why do I question His choices? He knows what is best for me.... even when I think I know better. That is the thing with humans.... we always think we know best.

But God is not human. We cannot begin to comprehend how He works. And that is why He is so amazing. So my questioning my life and everything right now is really me having a lack of faith.

Then I feel ashamed, for I believe in God the Father, and in Jesus, his son, and in the Holy Spirit. I believe in a God who is good.... and that He loves me. So how, HOW, can I, a simple human, question what God has planned, and what path my life takes?

This is getting to a point of ranting... or was a long time ago.

Adios.

Sleeping Pills Don't Work For Me

Source: observando.net via Lesley on Pinterest

Maybe I could sleep in a bed like this? i think it floats, rocking back and forth could be very relaxing.

Source: google.com via Mary on Pinterest

Wish I could sleep so peacefully like her.... I toss and turn, and.... lately there is a lot of crying.

Trying to come up with my next plan, but I really just feel like i'm coming up with nothing.

I can go back to work in Kzoo for the Christmas parties. but my old boss would have to pay me more money to make it worth it to drive to Kzoo just to work for a night. I thought I might be able to stay the night at some places, but i no longer think that is an option. I thought I had a relationship that was very important in my life. Apparently, I am finding out, that I am not as important in his life.

I am a Christian girl. This changes the way you look at dating and potential dates drastically.

I am looking for a guy who has the same beliefs and values as me. I am looking for a guy who is okay with me not having sex until I get married. (This is when guys run away). I want a God-fearing man who knows how to treat a woman. I question whether there is a guy who can treat me how Jesus would want him to.

I thought I had a guy who fit a lot of those qualities. But I never really had him. We were never in a typical relationship. We never talked about dating, but that's what it was. I cared about him, he cared about me.... we were more than friends.

I am so tired of opening myself up to people, having them open up to me, and then having them run away, because they are too scared to be in a relationship.

If you are too scared to be in a relationship, you are going to be ALONE for a LONG time.

How can you NOT take a chance with someone who makes you smile, makes you laugh, and you can tell anything to?

I want to have someone I love, love me back.

Is that too much to ask? I keep praying.... praying about so many things. Wish I would get more answers.

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Home Sweet Home?

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It is cold in Michigan. I can't believe I'm back here....

I have gotten two confirmations from jobs in Arkansas and Colorado that they have my information and reviews of applicants will begin soon. The job in Colorado is at a community college. They are both good starting points, but I don't have any expectations.

A lot of the jobs my mom has emailed me from Higheredjobs.com are jobs that I have already applied to, months ago. These jobs have still not been filled, and it just shows that these people are not willing to give anyone who does not have every single qualification they are looking for a chance. It's so frustrating because these are jobs that I know I can do. 

I still have not found my camera cord and so I guess I have to buy a new one. My desktop computer has not been set up at home yet since I just got home yesterday.

I have some banquet work I can do for Christmas parties in Kalamazoo, but my mom asked if I should try to find a part-time job in GR while I'm here.

Is it worth it? I suppose I'm adverse only because I don't want to stay here, but I doubt anyone will be doing any hiring around the holidays.

A friend suggested I look for a full-time job at a place like Walmart or Target in whatever city I want to move to. The problem is, I don't know where I want to go from here. And I'm pretty sure that if I was working at Walmart, I would probably be pretty depressed about that. Working for $8/hr is just.... so sad. All of this education and this is what my life has come to? 

I am trying to stay positive.... 

Am now obsessed with Pinterest....

And I want one of these framed in my future residence (if I ever get a job....)

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Anger, Disappointment, Depression...Hope

Two days ago, the relatives who had told me I could stay with them (after my sublease ended) changed their mind. My sublease ends on Saturday. This Saturday.

I started crying.

I couldn't really ask questions (why? what happened? "you said I could stay as long as I needed") were not coming out of my mouth bc i was in:
    a. shock
    b. bewilderment
    c. tears of water cascading down my face making it hard to breathe
    d. trying to come up with a plan that involves me getting a full-time job, making enough money to cover a security deposit and rent, and finding a place to live BY SATURDAY

My Aunt gave some vague excuses (the holidays were coming (I was supposed to be going there for Thanksgiving ANYWAY), there were too many people going in and out of their house lately (the grandma had just visited) and that they "just can't do it". I was not listening because I was in panic mode. full on hysteria.

I called my mom and I couldn't even get the words out. "She said I can't stay there....wahh wahh (sounds of me bawling my eyes out)

My mom was quite surprised also.

Of course, my parents wanted me to come home anyway, since I still have not found full-time employment and they don't understand why I hate Michigan so much (the cold, the snow, the freezing cold, the overcast days) OMG THERE IS NO SUN THERE FROM OCTOBER UNTIL MAY IT IS HORRIBLE!

As a person with depression problems, sun is a necessary part of my life. I feel better when it is sunny. My attitude is better when it's sunny. My whole life, seems better, when it is sunny. There is a reason I want to live in the south. Everything just seems so much more hopeful when the sun is out.

I've had doctors who thought I might have SAD (seasonal affect disorder), but since I was depressed not just in the winter it was thought not. But I used to go tanning in a salon to get some sun in high school.

Now I'm all hyper-aware of skin cancer and slather on the SPF, but back in those days, I was desperate.

This is getting too long.

I am very hurt, and angry, and feeling like an epic FAIL that I have to move back home right now.

I don't care that it is not permanent, and I will live rent-free at home and get to see my dog.

I didn't think it would be like this. It wasn't supposed to be.

Picking up the pieces of some broken dream and heading home for the 17-some hour drive home on Saturday. Just in time for the snow. damn.

Daydreaming is a distraction of mine

=) by martalaura featuring a double breasted coat

J Crew merino wool sweater
$90 - jcrew.com

Burberry double breasted coat
£165 - net-a-porter.com

Citizens of Humanity skinny leg jeans
$200 - net-a-porter.com

H M leather ballerina flat
£7.99 - hm.com

Mulberry oversized leather handbag
£1,049 - farfetch.com

Juicy Couture engraving watch
$295 - endless.com

H M metal jewelry
£1.99 - hm.com






Since I'm having a royally bad day, I am checking out style sets on Pinterest and daydreaming about what I would wear if I had a million dollars. My parents got into a car accident in the parking lot at church today, they are totally fine but now the car has to be fixed and it's going to be about $500. My mom is not sure if they will be coming down to visit. Since my lease ends soon, they were going to help me move and stay for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to it.


I applied for another job. 


Also contacted some headhunters. I have heard back from two of them.


Having a hard time staying motivated. Not hearing from any of my friends back home.... this is very hard for me. I know that they are all busy too, but I feel like no one even cares anymore. Been having some head pains lately, hoping that everything is okay and it's just because I'm stressed.


Reading, Erasing Hell by Francis Chan. Very interesting stuff. Wish I had someone here to talk to about it....


Loneliness is where I am left clinging to God. 

Finding a Headhunter

So... I have been told by a couple of trustworthy friends and colleagues that I should try using a headhunter to find a job. Since what I've been doing.... trying to find a job on my own.... has NOT been working so far.

So I'm checking it out. I just used Online Recruiters Directory to pick the industries I was interested in, what states I would be willing to work in, and what kind of work I'm looking for. Then all I had to do was send out my resume to the different recruitment groups. If any of them like what they see, they will contact me.

So, hopefully something happens.

Yesterday I applied for a job at Arkansas Tech University in Russellville, Arkansas. They have the job starting January 2, 2012. The deadline is Nov. 25. That doesn't give them a lot of time to find someone with Christmas and all. It makes me nervous that they already have someone on staff and are just posting it because (gasp!) they have to. I hope not, because it's right up my alley. I have done everything in the job description at my two internships at WMU and I have family in Arkansas.

My mom also found me a great job at the Community College of Aurora in Colorado. So I applied for that as well. I never thought I would be interested in Colorado but I'm having to rethink all of my options. It doesn't snow that much if you are not in the mountains (or so they tell me). And I have an Uncle who lives in Aurora.

I have a pizza party for work tonight and I was planning on telling my boss that I would be moving as of Nov. 19. But now my mom asked me if I should stay here just for the month of December. My cousin needs a roommate and maybe I could stay there just for that month. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. I wish God would just flash a neon sign telling me what I should do.

A little direction would sure be appreciated. So glad I got to go home for a week. I hung out with Shell (my bestie) almost everyday and I got to see Amy before I left. Her and her husband made the nicest offer to me, I can stay with them if I need somewhere to stay in Michigan and I don't want to go home.

I am really lucky to have these amazing people in my life, even if they are far away from me right now.

Back in the land of no

I applied to an entry-level PR job in Nashville, TN yesterday.

Today I got an email telling me that I am "not the best fit".

Didn't take them long to make a decision.

The job duties were all things I had done before. My two internships at WMU don't seem to matter to employers. One internship lasted three semesters, two more than it was supposed to. Because I was good at it.

I am so discouraged.

My roommate from last year drove up to Grand Rapids so we could finally cash our check to get our security deposit back. They wrote the check out to both of us, and no one would let us cash it without both of us present. Since I was in SC, this hasn't been able to happen. So four months after I moved out I finally have my $150 back. Too much of a hassle.

Hanging out with my best friend today. I have missed her so much. I wish I could stop thinking that I'm a failure because I can't find a full-time job, even after picking up everything and moving out of Michigan. It was supposed to be easier down south. I feel like I'm back to square one.

I still can't find the cord to my camera so all of my photos are stuck there.

Someone I care about a lot can't make time to come and see me, and it hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

Trying to discern God's plan seems hopeless. I know He is in charge, but a little reassurance would be so nice. I guess if we were reassured every time we wanted it, no one would have to have faith....

Trying to keep the faith....

One month left

One month left in Charleston.

My sub-lease ends on November 19. I can stay until the end of November if I need to, but I don't think I'll be staying here anymore.

The job search is not going well. I thought more avenues would have opened up by now, but I feel like I'm just wasting my time serving when I should be doing something.... more..... better.... something with a purpose. Something like what I was doing at my internships. Designing, writing, editing, taking photos, running events....

I think I have to expand the search.

Looking in North and South Carolina is not getting me what I want.

I hear there are a lot of jobs in Texas. (what constitutes "a lot"?) (compared to MI, anywhere is has a lot)

I talked to Kathy (a friend in MI) who says I should go anywhere it's sunny. I need the sun. The overcast days in Michigan made me so depressed. It's so much easier to get out of bed when it's sunny. That's why I always loved visiting L.A.

When the sun is shining, I feel so much more capable.

And really, I need all of the confidence I can muster.

Something that makes me smile: moreloveletters.com is an awesome site where people post pictures of love letters that they leave anonymously for strangers. Who doesn't need a love letter? Genius!

Motivation is Hard To Do

I applied for a job today. In Raleigh, NC.

It's not a job that I am passionate about. But, it's a full-time position. And that is what I need.

I'm frustrated that in this economy it has come to this. Me, contemplating applying at Wells Fargo to be a teller because those are the full-time jobs available. And I can't keep working part-time because my sub-lease ends in November and then I have no where to go.

I have a friend, a new friend, we'll call her A. She is also from Michigan. We've been talking about trying to find a two bedroom apartment. So here's the problem: even if we find a place, usually you have to pay first month's rent plus a security deposit. I don't have the money to do that. I am barely going to be able to pay another month's rent as it is. I have $200 and some odd dollars in my bank account. I have only gotten one paycheck since I've moved here and $96 of it went to utilities.

I'm trying to be strong and have faith that God has some plan that will come out of this, but it's getting harder and harder to be positive.

I have found a fellow blogger in the Charleston area that I'm enjoying. Her name is Hallie, and you should check out her blog over at southerndashofsass.

I'm also loving the photos at charlestondailyphoto. It seems everyone around here has an amazing camera except me. But there are so many cool things to take pictures of. Like last week, when my roomie and I walked the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge. We saw three porpoises and it was the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Also, I can't figure out how I changed the font of the actual blog entry the last time, and now the font looks super huge, but I can't seem to change the size. Still learning, be patient with me.

Off to work at the Francis Marion hotel tomorrow. I'm going to have to join another staffing agency to get more hours. Or I can become a bank teller. Oh the choices!

I  know I am sarcastic and cranky about it, and I apologize. At least it's sunny and the weather is beautiful!

A Day of Bad News

I finally heard about the job I interviewed for last week in North Carolina.


I didn't get it.


I was their #2 choice.


It's almost worse to know that.


I feel so discouraged. I never thought it would be this hard, when I want to work, to find a full-time job.


I'm homesick.


I miss my parents.

Mom and Dad on the pier

Bella, my toy poodle

I miss my dog.

Also, I can't figure out the placement on these pictures and it's driving me nuts. InDesign is much easier to use!

I need to get out the old resume and update it.... again.

I think I'll post it on here and if anyone has any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. I have had it looked over by three of my professors, one of whom was my previous boss at my internship at WMU. But, maybe I need to be more creative about this.

I enjoy checking out the One day, One Job blog. It makes me feel less lonely since it is highly apparent that I am not, sadly, the only educated, mid-twenties-ish person who waited tables in college only to finish college and now be continuing some crappy-paid, part-time, non-fulfilling (un-fulfilling?) job just-to-pay-the-bills.

It is absolutely the American Dream. But, according to Suze Orman over at Forbes, The American Dream is Dead. But at least we are all in it together?

Hanging in there, one day at a time.

So I worked yesterday at the Francis Marion Hotel. I am only part-time on call. We had a wedding. I've worked millions of those at my last job (in Kalamazoo, Michigan) so they are easy enough. I was supposed to take care of the bridal party, which apparently does not mean the same thing it did in Michigan. I asked my boss, and the person in charge of wedding sales what the bride and groom's names were. No one knew. But they didn't seem to need me anyway. There were two wedding planners there, so that could have been part of it. But it was a little odd.

Weddings in Charleston are a big business. It is nothing like in Michigan. People here are hard-core. The Wedding Row is an amazing blog about all things wedding-related in the Charleston area. They feature real weddings which are great inspirations and a ton of great vendors.

I had attempted to get a job doing the event planning stuff, but there only seems to be plenty of unpaid internships. Which, I did, when I was in college. Now, with rent to pay, there is no room for unpaid work. That's super frustrating because there just aren't that many entry-level jobs available. I had seven months as a banquet manager after graduation and a year and a half of corporate internships that people don't like to count as experience.

I'm ranting....

Excited to see my parents in November, and missing my dog, Bella, a lot.

A friend from work finally got my desktop computer working. So I will finally be able to include photos when I post. Except now, my wireless keyboard isn't working.

Still trying to figure out this technology stuff.

My friend Amy sent me a package the other day with some candy and an Audrey Hepburn planner. Missing her too. So hard to not have these people around!

Praying about this job I should be hearing about this week. Fingers Crossed!

A College Degree Doesn't Mean Anything Anymore

I am a 24 yr. old female from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I recently moved to South Carolina to search for full-time employment. I graduated from Western Michigan University with a BA in Communication Studies and a minor in psychology.


It used to be, that if you got a college degree, you knew that you would be able to find a job.


I grew up hearing that college was the answer to a great career.


Now everyone (well, a lot of people) has a college degree and in this economy, that does not mean you will get a job. 


Now I am struggling to find a job in a new city where I know one person (my cousin) and to make enough money to pay rent. College doesn't seem so bad anymore. At least I wasn't looking for a job!


I have decided to document my current trials, successes, and failures online. Who knows if anyone will read it, but I've always wanted to blog and it seems like the perfect opportunity.