Anger, Disappointment, Depression...Hope

Two days ago, the relatives who had told me I could stay with them (after my sublease ended) changed their mind. My sublease ends on Saturday. This Saturday.

I started crying.

I couldn't really ask questions (why? what happened? "you said I could stay as long as I needed") were not coming out of my mouth bc i was in:
    a. shock
    b. bewilderment
    c. tears of water cascading down my face making it hard to breathe
    d. trying to come up with a plan that involves me getting a full-time job, making enough money to cover a security deposit and rent, and finding a place to live BY SATURDAY

My Aunt gave some vague excuses (the holidays were coming (I was supposed to be going there for Thanksgiving ANYWAY), there were too many people going in and out of their house lately (the grandma had just visited) and that they "just can't do it". I was not listening because I was in panic mode. full on hysteria.

I called my mom and I couldn't even get the words out. "She said I can't stay there....wahh wahh (sounds of me bawling my eyes out)

My mom was quite surprised also.

Of course, my parents wanted me to come home anyway, since I still have not found full-time employment and they don't understand why I hate Michigan so much (the cold, the snow, the freezing cold, the overcast days) OMG THERE IS NO SUN THERE FROM OCTOBER UNTIL MAY IT IS HORRIBLE!

As a person with depression problems, sun is a necessary part of my life. I feel better when it is sunny. My attitude is better when it's sunny. My whole life, seems better, when it is sunny. There is a reason I want to live in the south. Everything just seems so much more hopeful when the sun is out.

I've had doctors who thought I might have SAD (seasonal affect disorder), but since I was depressed not just in the winter it was thought not. But I used to go tanning in a salon to get some sun in high school.

Now I'm all hyper-aware of skin cancer and slather on the SPF, but back in those days, I was desperate.

This is getting too long.

I am very hurt, and angry, and feeling like an epic FAIL that I have to move back home right now.

I don't care that it is not permanent, and I will live rent-free at home and get to see my dog.

I didn't think it would be like this. It wasn't supposed to be.

Picking up the pieces of some broken dream and heading home for the 17-some hour drive home on Saturday. Just in time for the snow. damn.