Two days ago, the relatives who had told me I could stay with them (after my sublease ended) changed their mind. My sublease ends on Saturday. This Saturday.
I started crying.
I couldn't really ask questions (why? what happened? "you said I could stay as long as I needed") were not coming out of my mouth bc i was in:
a. shock
b. bewilderment
c. tears of water cascading down my face making it hard to breathe
d. trying to come up with a plan that involves me getting a full-time job, making enough money to cover a security deposit and rent, and finding a place to live BY SATURDAY
My Aunt gave some vague excuses (the holidays were coming (I was supposed to be going there for Thanksgiving ANYWAY), there were too many people going in and out of their house lately (the grandma had just visited) and that they "just can't do it". I was not listening because I was in panic mode. full on hysteria.
I called my mom and I couldn't even get the words out. "She said I can't stay there....wahh wahh (sounds of me bawling my eyes out)
My mom was quite surprised also.
Of course, my parents wanted me to come home anyway, since I still have not found full-time employment and they don't understand why I hate Michigan so much (the cold, the snow, the freezing cold, the overcast days) OMG THERE IS NO SUN THERE FROM OCTOBER UNTIL MAY IT IS HORRIBLE!
As a person with depression problems, sun is a necessary part of my life. I feel better when it is sunny. My attitude is better when it's sunny. My whole life, seems better, when it is sunny. There is a reason I want to live in the south. Everything just seems so much more hopeful when the sun is out.
I've had doctors who thought I might have SAD (seasonal affect disorder), but since I was depressed not just in the winter it was thought not. But I used to go tanning in a salon to get some sun in high school.
Now I'm all hyper-aware of skin cancer and slather on the SPF, but back in those days, I was desperate.
This is getting too long.
I am very hurt, and angry, and feeling like an epic FAIL that I have to move back home right now.
I don't care that it is not permanent, and I will live rent-free at home and get to see my dog.
I didn't think it would be like this. It wasn't supposed to be.
Picking up the pieces of some broken dream and heading home for the 17-some hour drive home on Saturday. Just in time for the snow. damn.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Daydreaming is a distraction of mine
H M metal jewelry
£1.99 - hm.com
Since I'm having a royally bad day, I am checking out style sets on Pinterest and daydreaming about what I would wear if I had a million dollars. My parents got into a car accident in the parking lot at church today, they are totally fine but now the car has to be fixed and it's going to be about $500. My mom is not sure if they will be coming down to visit. Since my lease ends soon, they were going to help me move and stay for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to it.
I applied for another job.
Also contacted some headhunters. I have heard back from two of them.
Having a hard time staying motivated. Not hearing from any of my friends back home.... this is very hard for me. I know that they are all busy too, but I feel like no one even cares anymore. Been having some head pains lately, hoping that everything is okay and it's just because I'm stressed.
Reading, Erasing Hell by Francis Chan. Very interesting stuff. Wish I had someone here to talk to about it....
Loneliness is where I am left clinging to God.
£1.99 - hm.com
Since I'm having a royally bad day, I am checking out style sets on Pinterest and daydreaming about what I would wear if I had a million dollars. My parents got into a car accident in the parking lot at church today, they are totally fine but now the car has to be fixed and it's going to be about $500. My mom is not sure if they will be coming down to visit. Since my lease ends soon, they were going to help me move and stay for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to it.
I applied for another job.
Also contacted some headhunters. I have heard back from two of them.
Having a hard time staying motivated. Not hearing from any of my friends back home.... this is very hard for me. I know that they are all busy too, but I feel like no one even cares anymore. Been having some head pains lately, hoping that everything is okay and it's just because I'm stressed.
Reading, Erasing Hell by Francis Chan. Very interesting stuff. Wish I had someone here to talk to about it....
Loneliness is where I am left clinging to God.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Finding a Headhunter
So... I have been told by a couple of trustworthy friends and colleagues that I should try using a headhunter to find a job. Since what I've been doing.... trying to find a job on my own.... has NOT been working so far.
So I'm checking it out. I just used Online Recruiters Directory to pick the industries I was interested in, what states I would be willing to work in, and what kind of work I'm looking for. Then all I had to do was send out my resume to the different recruitment groups. If any of them like what they see, they will contact me.
So, hopefully something happens.
Yesterday I applied for a job at Arkansas Tech University in Russellville, Arkansas. They have the job starting January 2, 2012. The deadline is Nov. 25. That doesn't give them a lot of time to find someone with Christmas and all. It makes me nervous that they already have someone on staff and are just posting it because (gasp!) they have to. I hope not, because it's right up my alley. I have done everything in the job description at my two internships at WMU and I have family in Arkansas.
My mom also found me a great job at the Community College of Aurora in Colorado. So I applied for that as well. I never thought I would be interested in Colorado but I'm having to rethink all of my options. It doesn't snow that much if you are not in the mountains (or so they tell me). And I have an Uncle who lives in Aurora.
I have a pizza party for work tonight and I was planning on telling my boss that I would be moving as of Nov. 19. But now my mom asked me if I should stay here just for the month of December. My cousin needs a roommate and maybe I could stay there just for that month. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. I wish God would just flash a neon sign telling me what I should do.
A little direction would sure be appreciated. So glad I got to go home for a week. I hung out with Shell (my bestie) almost everyday and I got to see Amy before I left. Her and her husband made the nicest offer to me, I can stay with them if I need somewhere to stay in Michigan and I don't want to go home.
I am really lucky to have these amazing people in my life, even if they are far away from me right now.
So I'm checking it out. I just used Online Recruiters Directory to pick the industries I was interested in, what states I would be willing to work in, and what kind of work I'm looking for. Then all I had to do was send out my resume to the different recruitment groups. If any of them like what they see, they will contact me.
So, hopefully something happens.
Yesterday I applied for a job at Arkansas Tech University in Russellville, Arkansas. They have the job starting January 2, 2012. The deadline is Nov. 25. That doesn't give them a lot of time to find someone with Christmas and all. It makes me nervous that they already have someone on staff and are just posting it because (gasp!) they have to. I hope not, because it's right up my alley. I have done everything in the job description at my two internships at WMU and I have family in Arkansas.
My mom also found me a great job at the Community College of Aurora in Colorado. So I applied for that as well. I never thought I would be interested in Colorado but I'm having to rethink all of my options. It doesn't snow that much if you are not in the mountains (or so they tell me). And I have an Uncle who lives in Aurora.
I have a pizza party for work tonight and I was planning on telling my boss that I would be moving as of Nov. 19. But now my mom asked me if I should stay here just for the month of December. My cousin needs a roommate and maybe I could stay there just for that month. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. I wish God would just flash a neon sign telling me what I should do.
A little direction would sure be appreciated. So glad I got to go home for a week. I hung out with Shell (my bestie) almost everyday and I got to see Amy before I left. Her and her husband made the nicest offer to me, I can stay with them if I need somewhere to stay in Michigan and I don't want to go home.
I am really lucky to have these amazing people in my life, even if they are far away from me right now.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Back in the land of no
I applied to an entry-level PR job in Nashville, TN yesterday.
Today I got an email telling me that I am "not the best fit".
Didn't take them long to make a decision.
The job duties were all things I had done before. My two internships at WMU don't seem to matter to employers. One internship lasted three semesters, two more than it was supposed to. Because I was good at it.
I am so discouraged.
My roommate from last year drove up to Grand Rapids so we could finally cash our check to get our security deposit back. They wrote the check out to both of us, and no one would let us cash it without both of us present. Since I was in SC, this hasn't been able to happen. So four months after I moved out I finally have my $150 back. Too much of a hassle.
Hanging out with my best friend today. I have missed her so much. I wish I could stop thinking that I'm a failure because I can't find a full-time job, even after picking up everything and moving out of Michigan. It was supposed to be easier down south. I feel like I'm back to square one.
I still can't find the cord to my camera so all of my photos are stuck there.
Someone I care about a lot can't make time to come and see me, and it hurts.
I'm so tired of feeling like this.
Trying to discern God's plan seems hopeless. I know He is in charge, but a little reassurance would be so nice. I guess if we were reassured every time we wanted it, no one would have to have faith....
Trying to keep the faith....
Today I got an email telling me that I am "not the best fit".
Didn't take them long to make a decision.
The job duties were all things I had done before. My two internships at WMU don't seem to matter to employers. One internship lasted three semesters, two more than it was supposed to. Because I was good at it.
I am so discouraged.
My roommate from last year drove up to Grand Rapids so we could finally cash our check to get our security deposit back. They wrote the check out to both of us, and no one would let us cash it without both of us present. Since I was in SC, this hasn't been able to happen. So four months after I moved out I finally have my $150 back. Too much of a hassle.
Hanging out with my best friend today. I have missed her so much. I wish I could stop thinking that I'm a failure because I can't find a full-time job, even after picking up everything and moving out of Michigan. It was supposed to be easier down south. I feel like I'm back to square one.
I still can't find the cord to my camera so all of my photos are stuck there.
Someone I care about a lot can't make time to come and see me, and it hurts.
I'm so tired of feeling like this.
Trying to discern God's plan seems hopeless. I know He is in charge, but a little reassurance would be so nice. I guess if we were reassured every time we wanted it, no one would have to have faith....
Trying to keep the faith....
Friday, October 28, 2011
One month left
One month left in Charleston.
My sub-lease ends on November 19. I can stay until the end of November if I need to, but I don't think I'll be staying here anymore.
The job search is not going well. I thought more avenues would have opened up by now, but I feel like I'm just wasting my time serving when I should be doing something.... more..... better.... something with a purpose. Something like what I was doing at my internships. Designing, writing, editing, taking photos, running events....
I think I have to expand the search.
Looking in North and South Carolina is not getting me what I want.
I hear there are a lot of jobs in Texas. (what constitutes "a lot"?) (compared to MI, anywhere is has a lot)
I talked to Kathy (a friend in MI) who says I should go anywhere it's sunny. I need the sun. The overcast days in Michigan made me so depressed. It's so much easier to get out of bed when it's sunny. That's why I always loved visiting L.A.
When the sun is shining, I feel so much more capable.
And really, I need all of the confidence I can muster.
Something that makes me smile: moreloveletters.com is an awesome site where people post pictures of love letters that they leave anonymously for strangers. Who doesn't need a love letter? Genius!
My sub-lease ends on November 19. I can stay until the end of November if I need to, but I don't think I'll be staying here anymore.
The job search is not going well. I thought more avenues would have opened up by now, but I feel like I'm just wasting my time serving when I should be doing something.... more..... better.... something with a purpose. Something like what I was doing at my internships. Designing, writing, editing, taking photos, running events....
I think I have to expand the search.
Looking in North and South Carolina is not getting me what I want.
I hear there are a lot of jobs in Texas. (what constitutes "a lot"?) (compared to MI, anywhere is has a lot)
I talked to Kathy (a friend in MI) who says I should go anywhere it's sunny. I need the sun. The overcast days in Michigan made me so depressed. It's so much easier to get out of bed when it's sunny. That's why I always loved visiting L.A.
When the sun is shining, I feel so much more capable.
And really, I need all of the confidence I can muster.
Something that makes me smile: moreloveletters.com is an awesome site where people post pictures of love letters that they leave anonymously for strangers. Who doesn't need a love letter? Genius!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Motivation is Hard To Do
I applied for a job today. In Raleigh, NC.
It's not a job that I am passionate about. But, it's a full-time position. And that is what I need.
I'm frustrated that in this economy it has come to this. Me, contemplating applying at Wells Fargo to be a teller because those are the full-time jobs available. And I can't keep working part-time because my sub-lease ends in November and then I have no where to go.
I have a friend, a new friend, we'll call her A. She is also from Michigan. We've been talking about trying to find a two bedroom apartment. So here's the problem: even if we find a place, usually you have to pay first month's rent plus a security deposit. I don't have the money to do that. I am barely going to be able to pay another month's rent as it is. I have $200 and some odd dollars in my bank account. I have only gotten one paycheck since I've moved here and $96 of it went to utilities.
I'm trying to be strong and have faith that God has some plan that will come out of this, but it's getting harder and harder to be positive.
I have found a fellow blogger in the Charleston area that I'm enjoying. Her name is Hallie, and you should check out her blog over at southerndashofsass.
I'm also loving the photos at charlestondailyphoto. It seems everyone around here has an amazing camera except me. But there are so many cool things to take pictures of. Like last week, when my roomie and I walked the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge. We saw three porpoises and it was the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Also, I can't figure out how I changed the font of the actual blog entry the last time, and now the font looks super huge, but I can't seem to change the size. Still learning, be patient with me.
Off to work at the Francis Marion hotel tomorrow. I'm going to have to join another staffing agency to get more hours. Or I can become a bank teller. Oh the choices!
I know I am sarcastic and cranky about it, and I apologize. At least it's sunny and the weather is beautiful!
It's not a job that I am passionate about. But, it's a full-time position. And that is what I need.
I'm frustrated that in this economy it has come to this. Me, contemplating applying at Wells Fargo to be a teller because those are the full-time jobs available. And I can't keep working part-time because my sub-lease ends in November and then I have no where to go.
I have a friend, a new friend, we'll call her A. She is also from Michigan. We've been talking about trying to find a two bedroom apartment. So here's the problem: even if we find a place, usually you have to pay first month's rent plus a security deposit. I don't have the money to do that. I am barely going to be able to pay another month's rent as it is. I have $200 and some odd dollars in my bank account. I have only gotten one paycheck since I've moved here and $96 of it went to utilities.
I'm trying to be strong and have faith that God has some plan that will come out of this, but it's getting harder and harder to be positive.
I have found a fellow blogger in the Charleston area that I'm enjoying. Her name is Hallie, and you should check out her blog over at southerndashofsass.
I'm also loving the photos at charlestondailyphoto. It seems everyone around here has an amazing camera except me. But there are so many cool things to take pictures of. Like last week, when my roomie and I walked the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge. We saw three porpoises and it was the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Also, I can't figure out how I changed the font of the actual blog entry the last time, and now the font looks super huge, but I can't seem to change the size. Still learning, be patient with me.
Off to work at the Francis Marion hotel tomorrow. I'm going to have to join another staffing agency to get more hours. Or I can become a bank teller. Oh the choices!
I know I am sarcastic and cranky about it, and I apologize. At least it's sunny and the weather is beautiful!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Day of Bad News
I finally heard about the job I interviewed for last week in North Carolina.
I didn't get it.
I was their #2 choice.
It's almost worse to know that.
I feel so discouraged. I never thought it would be this hard, when I want to work, to find a full-time job.
I'm homesick.
I miss my parents.
Also, I can't figure out the placement on these pictures and it's driving me nuts. InDesign is much easier to use!
I didn't get it.
I was their #2 choice.
It's almost worse to know that.
I feel so discouraged. I never thought it would be this hard, when I want to work, to find a full-time job.
I'm homesick.
I miss my parents.
 |
| Mom and Dad on the pier |
 |
| Bella, my toy poodle I miss my dog. |
I need to get out the old resume and update it.... again.
I think I'll post it on here and if anyone has any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. I have had it looked over by three of my professors, one of whom was my previous boss at my internship at WMU. But, maybe I need to be more creative about this.
I enjoy checking out the One day, One Job blog. It makes me feel less lonely since it is highly apparent that I am not, sadly, the only educated, mid-twenties-ish person who waited tables in college only to finish college and now be continuing some crappy-paid, part-time, non-fulfilling (un-fulfilling?) job just-to-pay-the-bills.
It is absolutely the American Dream. But, according to Suze Orman over at Forbes, The American Dream is Dead. But at least we are all in it together?
Hanging in there, one day at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)