Sleeping Pills Don't Work For Me

Source: observando.net via Lesley on Pinterest

Maybe I could sleep in a bed like this? i think it floats, rocking back and forth could be very relaxing.

Source: google.com via Mary on Pinterest

Wish I could sleep so peacefully like her.... I toss and turn, and.... lately there is a lot of crying.

Trying to come up with my next plan, but I really just feel like i'm coming up with nothing.

I can go back to work in Kzoo for the Christmas parties. but my old boss would have to pay me more money to make it worth it to drive to Kzoo just to work for a night. I thought I might be able to stay the night at some places, but i no longer think that is an option. I thought I had a relationship that was very important in my life. Apparently, I am finding out, that I am not as important in his life.

I am a Christian girl. This changes the way you look at dating and potential dates drastically.

I am looking for a guy who has the same beliefs and values as me. I am looking for a guy who is okay with me not having sex until I get married. (This is when guys run away). I want a God-fearing man who knows how to treat a woman. I question whether there is a guy who can treat me how Jesus would want him to.

I thought I had a guy who fit a lot of those qualities. But I never really had him. We were never in a typical relationship. We never talked about dating, but that's what it was. I cared about him, he cared about me.... we were more than friends.

I am so tired of opening myself up to people, having them open up to me, and then having them run away, because they are too scared to be in a relationship.

If you are too scared to be in a relationship, you are going to be ALONE for a LONG time.

How can you NOT take a chance with someone who makes you smile, makes you laugh, and you can tell anything to?

I want to have someone I love, love me back.

Is that too much to ask? I keep praying.... praying about so many things. Wish I would get more answers.

Source: maytenatalia.tumblr.com via Jade on Pinterest

Home Sweet Home?

Source: healthyisalwaysbetter.tumblr.com via Amanda on Pinterest

It is cold in Michigan. I can't believe I'm back here....

I have gotten two confirmations from jobs in Arkansas and Colorado that they have my information and reviews of applicants will begin soon. The job in Colorado is at a community college. They are both good starting points, but I don't have any expectations.

A lot of the jobs my mom has emailed me from Higheredjobs.com are jobs that I have already applied to, months ago. These jobs have still not been filled, and it just shows that these people are not willing to give anyone who does not have every single qualification they are looking for a chance. It's so frustrating because these are jobs that I know I can do. 

I still have not found my camera cord and so I guess I have to buy a new one. My desktop computer has not been set up at home yet since I just got home yesterday.

I have some banquet work I can do for Christmas parties in Kalamazoo, but my mom asked if I should try to find a part-time job in GR while I'm here.

Is it worth it? I suppose I'm adverse only because I don't want to stay here, but I doubt anyone will be doing any hiring around the holidays.

A friend suggested I look for a full-time job at a place like Walmart or Target in whatever city I want to move to. The problem is, I don't know where I want to go from here. And I'm pretty sure that if I was working at Walmart, I would probably be pretty depressed about that. Working for $8/hr is just.... so sad. All of this education and this is what my life has come to? 

I am trying to stay positive.... 

Am now obsessed with Pinterest....

And I want one of these framed in my future residence (if I ever get a job....)

Source: iwilltrustinyou.tumblr.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Anger, Disappointment, Depression...Hope

Two days ago, the relatives who had told me I could stay with them (after my sublease ended) changed their mind. My sublease ends on Saturday. This Saturday.

I started crying.

I couldn't really ask questions (why? what happened? "you said I could stay as long as I needed") were not coming out of my mouth bc i was in:
    a. shock
    b. bewilderment
    c. tears of water cascading down my face making it hard to breathe
    d. trying to come up with a plan that involves me getting a full-time job, making enough money to cover a security deposit and rent, and finding a place to live BY SATURDAY

My Aunt gave some vague excuses (the holidays were coming (I was supposed to be going there for Thanksgiving ANYWAY), there were too many people going in and out of their house lately (the grandma had just visited) and that they "just can't do it". I was not listening because I was in panic mode. full on hysteria.

I called my mom and I couldn't even get the words out. "She said I can't stay there....wahh wahh (sounds of me bawling my eyes out)

My mom was quite surprised also.

Of course, my parents wanted me to come home anyway, since I still have not found full-time employment and they don't understand why I hate Michigan so much (the cold, the snow, the freezing cold, the overcast days) OMG THERE IS NO SUN THERE FROM OCTOBER UNTIL MAY IT IS HORRIBLE!

As a person with depression problems, sun is a necessary part of my life. I feel better when it is sunny. My attitude is better when it's sunny. My whole life, seems better, when it is sunny. There is a reason I want to live in the south. Everything just seems so much more hopeful when the sun is out.

I've had doctors who thought I might have SAD (seasonal affect disorder), but since I was depressed not just in the winter it was thought not. But I used to go tanning in a salon to get some sun in high school.

Now I'm all hyper-aware of skin cancer and slather on the SPF, but back in those days, I was desperate.

This is getting too long.

I am very hurt, and angry, and feeling like an epic FAIL that I have to move back home right now.

I don't care that it is not permanent, and I will live rent-free at home and get to see my dog.

I didn't think it would be like this. It wasn't supposed to be.

Picking up the pieces of some broken dream and heading home for the 17-some hour drive home on Saturday. Just in time for the snow. damn.

Daydreaming is a distraction of mine

=) by martalaura featuring a double breasted coat

J Crew merino wool sweater
$90 - jcrew.com

Burberry double breasted coat
£165 - net-a-porter.com

Citizens of Humanity skinny leg jeans
$200 - net-a-porter.com

H M leather ballerina flat
£7.99 - hm.com

Mulberry oversized leather handbag
£1,049 - farfetch.com

Juicy Couture engraving watch
$295 - endless.com

H M metal jewelry
£1.99 - hm.com






Since I'm having a royally bad day, I am checking out style sets on Pinterest and daydreaming about what I would wear if I had a million dollars. My parents got into a car accident in the parking lot at church today, they are totally fine but now the car has to be fixed and it's going to be about $500. My mom is not sure if they will be coming down to visit. Since my lease ends soon, they were going to help me move and stay for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to it.


I applied for another job. 


Also contacted some headhunters. I have heard back from two of them.


Having a hard time staying motivated. Not hearing from any of my friends back home.... this is very hard for me. I know that they are all busy too, but I feel like no one even cares anymore. Been having some head pains lately, hoping that everything is okay and it's just because I'm stressed.


Reading, Erasing Hell by Francis Chan. Very interesting stuff. Wish I had someone here to talk to about it....


Loneliness is where I am left clinging to God. 

Finding a Headhunter

So... I have been told by a couple of trustworthy friends and colleagues that I should try using a headhunter to find a job. Since what I've been doing.... trying to find a job on my own.... has NOT been working so far.

So I'm checking it out. I just used Online Recruiters Directory to pick the industries I was interested in, what states I would be willing to work in, and what kind of work I'm looking for. Then all I had to do was send out my resume to the different recruitment groups. If any of them like what they see, they will contact me.

So, hopefully something happens.

Yesterday I applied for a job at Arkansas Tech University in Russellville, Arkansas. They have the job starting January 2, 2012. The deadline is Nov. 25. That doesn't give them a lot of time to find someone with Christmas and all. It makes me nervous that they already have someone on staff and are just posting it because (gasp!) they have to. I hope not, because it's right up my alley. I have done everything in the job description at my two internships at WMU and I have family in Arkansas.

My mom also found me a great job at the Community College of Aurora in Colorado. So I applied for that as well. I never thought I would be interested in Colorado but I'm having to rethink all of my options. It doesn't snow that much if you are not in the mountains (or so they tell me). And I have an Uncle who lives in Aurora.

I have a pizza party for work tonight and I was planning on telling my boss that I would be moving as of Nov. 19. But now my mom asked me if I should stay here just for the month of December. My cousin needs a roommate and maybe I could stay there just for that month. I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. I wish God would just flash a neon sign telling me what I should do.

A little direction would sure be appreciated. So glad I got to go home for a week. I hung out with Shell (my bestie) almost everyday and I got to see Amy before I left. Her and her husband made the nicest offer to me, I can stay with them if I need somewhere to stay in Michigan and I don't want to go home.

I am really lucky to have these amazing people in my life, even if they are far away from me right now.

Back in the land of no

I applied to an entry-level PR job in Nashville, TN yesterday.

Today I got an email telling me that I am "not the best fit".

Didn't take them long to make a decision.

The job duties were all things I had done before. My two internships at WMU don't seem to matter to employers. One internship lasted three semesters, two more than it was supposed to. Because I was good at it.

I am so discouraged.

My roommate from last year drove up to Grand Rapids so we could finally cash our check to get our security deposit back. They wrote the check out to both of us, and no one would let us cash it without both of us present. Since I was in SC, this hasn't been able to happen. So four months after I moved out I finally have my $150 back. Too much of a hassle.

Hanging out with my best friend today. I have missed her so much. I wish I could stop thinking that I'm a failure because I can't find a full-time job, even after picking up everything and moving out of Michigan. It was supposed to be easier down south. I feel like I'm back to square one.

I still can't find the cord to my camera so all of my photos are stuck there.

Someone I care about a lot can't make time to come and see me, and it hurts.

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

Trying to discern God's plan seems hopeless. I know He is in charge, but a little reassurance would be so nice. I guess if we were reassured every time we wanted it, no one would have to have faith....

Trying to keep the faith....